FOUR MONDAYS
A Radio Play in 4 Acts
By Sunny Bleckinger
Cast of Characters
Principles:
SAMUEL: insecure, frustrated lifeguard (male)
SHANNON: Clerk for the Crystal Plunge, loves new patrons, quite particular about pool protocol (male)
MARTY: outspoken, hates swimming, works in billing at phone company (female)
KASPER: worker at city water bureau, clumsy, loves solving puzzles (male)
EDNA: mid-70s, beginning stages of dementia, tries to hide it (female)
Characters:
BYSTANDERS: caricatures of historic San Francisco voices, not unlike Ruth Asawa, Robert Crumb, Dorothea Lange & Harry Partch (Acts 1, 2 & 4)
ROGERS: overworked ambulance driver. (Act 1)
SUMMERS: Kaspers’s boss at the Water Bureau. Gruff in tone and personality. Noticeably older than KASPER. (male) (Act 2 & 4)
ANJELICA’S BROTHER: thick southern accent (Act 3)
EARNESTINE: Waitress. Sleepy, slow speech, husky voice. (Act 3)
MARIANA: Anjelica’s landlady. Fragile voice, foreign accent (Act 3)
SAUL: Waiter. Feeble, thin voiced (male) (Act 4)
ACT I: MONDAY
SCENE 1
Setting: 1983, February, First Monday of the month, 7:51pm.
Exterior: A grimy street in San Francisco. Heavy rain.
Bystanders watch from under the awning of Lido’s Meats as an emergency crew attempts to cut open a crashed vehicle to save the driver trapped inside. A loud circular saw cuts through the steel of the car.
VARIOUS BYSTANDER VOICES
-Oh my God!
-They’re cutting right through that car!
-Do they know what they’re doing? I don’t think they know what they’re doing!
-They know what they’re doing.
-That’s the third crash I’ve seen since lunch.
-I saw seven down by the wharf. And that was before breakfast!
-Well I don’t get up that early.
(SAMUEL, the lifeguard from the Crystal Plunge, an indoor swimming pool next to Lido’s, emerges in swim trunks and flip flops, and approaches an EMT waiting in the heavy rain.)
-Look at that! Someone’s coming out of the pool next door.
-It’s Samuel.
-Samuel?
-Samuel.
-Why is he still wearing swim trunks?
-Maybe he forgot his umbrella, didn’t want to get his clothes wet.
-Then where is his clothing?
-Yeah, where is his clothing?
-How should I know where his clothes are.
-Hey Samuel, where’s your clothing? Samuel?
-Nice swim trunks though. Nice.
(Thunder. Audio close up of SAMUEL’s flip flops as he walks to ROGERS)
SAMUEL
(cold, detached tone, almost as if someone is making him ask the question)
No Jaws of Life tonight?
ROGERS
(yelling to crew member, encouraging)
That’s it Frankowski, let the blade do the work!
SAMUEL
(speaking louder)
I said, no Jaws of Life tonight? [beat] I don’t need a tool to save lives.
ROGERS
(yells to other worker)
Almost there Frankowski, just don’t cut too close to the glass!
SAMUEL
I just dive in, pull them out, and use my own jaws. These are my jaws of life.
ROGERS
(muttering to self)
My Lord we got nutjobs in this city.
SAMUEL
And these are my lungs of life.
(inhales loudly)
ROGERS
(yells again)
Almost there Frankowski!
SAMUEL
(Still holding breath)
You and I, we’re like colleagues.
(Exhales)
We both save lives.
ROGERS
(yelling)
Alright he’s clear, let’s go!
SAMUEL
The trouble is, when it’s your job to save lives and everyone says they’re fine. They’re all fine. [beat] They’re not fine. I can see it in their skin. Those filthy swimmers.
(tires skid loudly nearby before another loud car crash)
ROGERS
(speaking loudly into 2-way radio)
This is Rogers, we’re done at 775 Lombard, heading to another crash one block east. I’ll radio in when I know more. Over.
(yelling again to partner)
Alright Frankowski, that’s number eighteen over there. You run that saw over. I’ll be there after I see this one in the ambulance.
(more tires skidding before another car crash)
Nineteen! Frankowski, get over to crash eighteen. I’ll check on nineteen. Holy cannoli, we got bodies.
SCENE 2
Interior: Audio close up of SAMUEL’s flip flops as he walks into the Crystal Plunge, passes reception where SHANNON briefly interrupts his monologue with a cheerful greeting.
SAMUEL
Everyone comes to the pool for the same thing: a fresh start. They’re looking for an escape.
SHANNON
Hey SAMUEL! How’d it go? Did you help those EMT’s?
SAMUEL
They’re fine, they said they’re fine.
SHANNON
(SAMUEL’s walking past, SHANNON gets gradually louder)
We’ll have more swimmers tonight, I can feel it. And they’ll all need your help!
SAMUEL
Here I go, another day!
(SAMUEL goes through doors into pool room. There is no one there. SAMUEL crouches down next to a deck chair, lifts a rag from a bucket of bleach water, rings it out and starts to clean the deck chair.
(thinking, resuming cold, detached tone)
Another day. Another day of swimmers arriving, thinking that here, some answer might be found. And they never stop shedding.
(lowers a rag into a bucket of bleach water, then wrings it out)
Skin cells… strands of hair…
(squeaky sounds, cleaning vinyl with a wet rag)
Why does it not come off in the water? It should all come off in the water. They should leave this place bald and peeled, as if born anew.
(lower rag into bucket again and wring out)
The filth. There is only one that is clean, one that is perfect and pure. She should be here any moment now.
Music fades in, intro read by raspy voice: “You’re listening to Four Mondays, a radio play by Sunny Bleckinger. This is Act 1: Monday.”
SCENE 3
MARTY is driving her car. Windshield wipers are squealing under a heavy rain.
MARTY
(slurping last of soda through straw, does that after-soda sigh)
Ah, so good, I–
(suddenly changing tone, judgy, aggressive)
Look at this hoser, jesus. Yeah yeah I see you. Well just [honks horn] go!
(outside of her car, tires are skidding before the sound of car crash. MARTY is nonchalant, annoyed.)
Worst drivers ever. Jesus. And you! Can you walk? Hoser, I’m driving!
(tires peel out, she slurps more soda, makes that after-soda sigh again)
(She turns on the radio, puts on the turn signal; cut to the sound of her tires on the driveway, the car shutting off, she gets out, closes the door, locks it. In near distance a car honks, skids and–
What the…
(A loud car crash.)
Again? (annoyed, as if a cat that she doesn’t love just vomited and she has to clean it up) Alright, jesus.
(she goes inside)
SCENE 4
(Reception desk at the pool)
SHANNON
Hi MARTY.
MARTY
Hey SHANNON. Can you call 911? There was a car crash. Again.
SHANNON
Did the emergency people all leave?
MARTY
All I saw were two bad drivers.
SHANNON
Alright. I’ll call and tell them to come back.
MARTY
It’s tragic. (slightly sarcastic) I’ve never seen anything like it–
SHANNON
(dials, ringing sound)
You go ahead. Go swim MARTY, there’s nothing more you can do.
MARTY
–except for the four other crashes I saw. On the way here. People. People these days are crazy. They’re all crazy. They think they can do whatever they want. These people. Right? I don’t know what they think they’re doing but they’re all crazy.
SHANNON
(to phone)
Is this 911? Hi this is SHANNON, I work at the counter at the Crystal Plunge and there’s been a car crash outside. Yes, that’s right. No, they already left. This is a new crash, and they need to come back.
(to MARTY)
You go ahead MARTY. Go swim.
(to the phone)
Yes that’s right. We’re at 775 Lombard Street. Uh huh. Well I didn’t see it myself but I’m told that it’s tragic. Do you want me to go outside and look or do you want to send somebody? Because I think you should send somebody. That’s right. Well there’s been another car crash and this is 911 isn’t it? Well then you should send somebody. We’re at 775 Lombard Street. First day? Mm hmm. I’ve worked here almost five years. It’s nice. Yeah. You should come when you get off. The city’s doing a promotion for aerobics and we’re giving away free snacks. I haven’t seen a difference to be honest, the same people every week and it’s–what? (beat) “Good ‘n’ Plenty’s” mostly. And “Now & Laters.” Well hold on, lemme see.
(Rifles through a box of candies.)
Charleston Chews, Wax Lips, Wax Fangs, Razzles, Clark Bars. Mm hmm. Well yes, of course. Everyone only wants Tropical Punch. We keep running out. Oh ok. We’ve got plenty of that. (beat) I never cared for it, no. (beat) I don’t know it’s just… Lemon and Lime together?… I think one should be enough. Mm hmm.
(KASPER enters, SHANNON’s excited about a new patron)
Oh my, can you hold on for just one second, yeah, thanks!
(sets phone on counter, speaks to KASPER)
Welcome to the Crystal Plunge! I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you here before.
KASPER
It’s my first time.
SHANNON
Wonderful! You picked the perfect night, Mondays are slow. (reminiscing) They used to be very popular, but we’ve been losing Monday night swimmers for months now. I don’t know why [mysterious pause]. Did you bring an extra pair of clothes?
KASPER
Why would–
SHANNON
It’s okay. I’m so happy you’re here! Snack?
KASPER
[beat] Excuse me?
SHANNON
We have free snacks.
(shakes box of candies)
KASPER
Oh, no thank you.
SHANNON
They’re part of a city promotion, to encourage more people to swim. We ran out on the other days, but I’ve been saving this box just for new Monday nighters. For you, our newest swimmer!
KASPER
That sounds familiar. I mean, I work for the city, not Parks and Rec, I’m with the Water Bureau, but I remember overhearing them talking about the promotional budget.
SHANNON
(disappointed)
You’re not here to swim?
KASPER
Oh, I am. Definitely. My boss, actually, he suggested I come here. Last saltwater pool in town!
SHANNON
That’s right. Now that the Lurline Baths have closed, we’re the only connection to the old line pumping saltwater in from the wharf.
(shakes snack box again)
Take one.
KASPER
No I–
SHANNON
Come on.
KASPER
No, really–wait, are those Razzles?
SHANNON
Mm hmm.
KASPER
Wow, I love Razzles, thanks!
SHANNON
You’re so very welcome. So then, the locker rooms are just down the hall. Men on the right, women on the left. The pool is straight through those swinging doors. And in the pool room you’ll see our lifeguard, SAMUEL. (beat) Well, you won’t actually see him. (beat) But if you call out his name, he’ll respond. Then just walk towards the sound. You’ll know when you get close because, well, then you’ll see him. He’s very nice. He seems rough on the edges but he’s very nice.
KASPER
I don’t understand, does he hide?
SHANNON
He sits in his lifeguard chair, mostly, watching everyone. Not that he can see them. But he’s a very good listener. He knows the difference between the sound of swimming and the sound of drowning.
KASPER
Is he blind?
SHANNON
Did you say you’re from the water bureau?
KASPER
That’s right.
SHANNON
I’m surprised you haven’t heard about our radiators. They’re broken. We’ve been trying to get someone out here.
KASPER
Oh, well I don’t–
SHANNON
They let out steam. Steaming up the whole place.
KASPER
(almost to himself) I mean, I could have Parks & Rec sound out a technician.
SHANNON
To be honest I find it pleasant. All that warm steam filling up the place. It just makes it hard to see. We strung up some chili pepper christmas lights around the edge of the pool. So people know where it is.
KASPER
That’s smart.
SHANNON
It was my idea. Anyway, we close at nine. So you’ve got an hour to swim. And like I said, quietest hour of the week.
KASPER
Sounds lovely.
SHANNON
Enjoy the Crystal Plunge! Bring your friends next time.
KASPER
(breathy laugh)
Ok, I’ll try!
SHANNON
(picks up phone)
Still there? Thank you so much for waiting! I should really get back to work. Do you have a direct line? I’d love to call you again and chat some more. Uh huh. Uh huh. Well that makes sense. Thanks! I will. Okay, mm hmm. Mm hmm. Okay, bye! Mm hmm. Okay, right. Mm hmm. Right. Okay then. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. What? You’re kidding!
SCENE 5
(men’s locker room, completely full of steam, zero visibility)
KASPER
(thinking)
Whoa, he wasn’t kidding. The steam is so thick. I can’t see [beat] anything.
(calls out)
Hello?
(thinking)
Ok, let’s think. Locker rooms are usually small. And there’s benches in the middle. Let’s find… there it is.
(sits down, sighs contentedly)
He had a point. There is something awfully pleasant about all of this warm steam. Have to feel your way around. It must make everyone around here so soft and gentle, and nice. Like panda bears in misty mountain tops.
(opens locker)
SCENE 6
(women’s locker room, completely full of steam, zero visibility)
(Marty opens locker)
MARTY
First that tragedy and now this. They really haven’t fixed this yet? I just want to get changed, not stand in a sauna. Gross. It’s so hot in this locker room. Broken boiler my foot, they just want us to sweat.
(suddenly pleasant tone)
Well anyway.
(Opens her bag)
I guess today’s the day for Vixen. Hot leopard one-piece. I don’t want to distract the other swimmers too much but well, that’s their problem, now isn’t it.
(Undresses)
I love this hour, so quiet. I have the entire locker room to myself. Off with the pants. And the shirt. And these. If another lady walked in right now, well, I guess the steam’s so thick in here she wouldn’t see me. I’m just walking through a cloud. Naked. I kind of hope they don’t fix it, whatever’s causing all this steam. (beat) Well, anyway, time for Vixen.
(puts on swimsuit)
I love this pattern. Alluring and, each spot just accentuates my movement. I’ll just slip from one end of the pool to the other.
(closes locker, locks it)
(walks out of locker room and into room with the pool)
(complaining)
Out here too? We’re paying to swim in the pool and I can barely see the pool. They said they’d fix this last week. How hard can it be to fix a boiler? Everyone’s only thinking for themselves. Like that woman on the phone today, I could spit. Those people, if they pay their bills on time like everyone else I wouldn’t have to call them. Try and explain that. Good for nothings, every one of them.
(same scene, but other side of room, from Kasper’s POV)
KASPER
(almost in a euphoric shock, like seeing the Grand Canyon)
Oh my God, it’s so simple. Chili pepper christmas lights. I never would’ve thought. They’re just hung there in endless cotton. Wow. Let’s see, what was his name?(calls out) SAMUEL?
SAMUEL
(distant, annoyed)
What?
KASPER
Hi! Hi there. I’m new. I mean, I’m KASPER. I’m new here.
SAMUEL
(still not pleasant, or convincing)
Right, ok. Welcome to the pool. It’s right there, under the chili peppers. You’ve got one hour to swim. Do not drown. If you do, I will get you out. I will save you.
KASPER
(more to self)
Um, Okay.
(loudly, to SAMUEL)
Good to know.
(thinking)
Let’s see, there must be a seat here… ah. Good. Set my towel there. Thank goodness for those chili pepper lights. Gonna have to get closer to see which way the lane lines go.
(accidentally kicks lounge chair)
Ow! Jeez it’s so hard to see, they should push all the chairs to the wall.
SAMUEL
I’m watching you.
KASPER
(yells to lifeguard)
You could’ve told me there was a chair here.
SAMUEL
I couldn’t see it.
KASPER
Then how are you watching me?
SAMUEL
I’m listening. When I say I’m watching I mean I’m listening.
KASPER
[beat] Can you tell me which way the lane lines go?
SAMUEL
They go east to west.
KASPER
Which way is east?
SAMUEL
That way.
KASPER
(muttering to self, annoyed)
Oh my god. If I reach down I can just, yeah there it is. So the lane lines run this way. There’s obviously no one in there so…
(Jumps in)
SCENE 7
(Reception. EDNA enters. SHANNON’s at his desk, still on the phone with the 911 operator.)
EDNA
SHANNON, good evening. There is a terrible car crash right outside. Everyone is driving like they’re some kind of maniac.
SHANNON
(speaking to EDNA)
Hi EDNA, I’m already on the phone with 911. They’re sending somebody.
EDNA
Well, that’s good. [beat] I was young once. When we wanted to get somewhere, you know what we’d do? We’d go for a walk. A nice walk. It seems to me that not enough people walk these days. And I can’t remember the last time I saw someone riding a horse.
SHANNON
That’s a good point.
(into phone)
Hey, I’m gonna have to call you back. Do you have a direct extension? Did I ask you that already? I know. Well they should give you one. I know! Okay, I’m ready. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, thanks. Talk soon. Awww, thank you! Me too. I know. Okay, bye!
(hangs up phone)
So, EDNA, you enjoy horseback riding?
EDNA
It sure is cold in here.
SHANNON
That’s right, I explained that last week, remember?
EDNA
Of course, I remember. Of course I do. [beat] Did you know that dolphins are better than elephants?
SHANNON
You always cheer me up.
EDNA
It’s not just their ability with the flippers, it’s everything.
(brief awkward silence)
SHANNON
Well, I have some good news: You and MARTY will have another swimmer joining you tonight! Isn’t that wonderful? It was like dominoes for awhile there, one regular after another falling away. You two were the last holdouts for weeks.
EDNA
What I don’t understand is, why do you have a fan going when it’s so cold in here?
SHANNON
(kindly, patiently)
I explained that to you.
EDNA
Well I know that, of course.
SHANNON
That cold air is actually a narrow current.
EDNA
(interrupting, to prove she remembers)
Narrow, that’s right. And it comes from outside.
SHANNON
It comes from the pool actually.
EDNA
I mean that it goes outside, and it comes from the pool.
SHANNON
I get confused about it too. I guess it slips under those doors over there before streaming down this hall, right past where you’re standing.
EDNA
I can feel it. Brrr. Heavens.
SHANNON
But my desk is here. Five feet away. So I set up that fan, it pulls the cold air right into my face. And my chest. And my neck.
EDNA
You should bring a sweater.
SHANNON
That’s just the thing, I don’t need to because I brought this space heater in. Set it up right behind my chair.
EDNA
I like to be warm.
SHANNON
Me too, but what I’ve got here is even better. I’ve got all this warmness at my back and coldness on my front. Just like a peanut butter and jelly.
EDNA
(reminiscing)
I used to eat one of those every day.
SHANNON
Then you must know what I’m talking about.
EDNA
My sister Racine would eat it with boysenberry jelly, but I liked grape.
SHANNON
There are many kinds. You know the best?
EDNA
(slightly defensive)
I think grape is the best.
SHANNON
The best is when you’re driving in the summer and you’ve got the air conditioning on, and after awhile it gets too cold in your car, the steering wheel’s all cold and you’re getting chills, so you open the window a little, let that hot summer air come pouring in, but you leave the air conditioning on, blowing all over you. That’s the best kind of peanut butter and jelly.
EDNA
(another brief silence, because EDNA doesn’t understand what SHANNON is talking about.)
Can I borrow that Reader’s Digest?
SHANNON
You’re exactly the person I was saving it for. The new crossword looks very challenging.
EDNA
Well, good. Last week was too easy. I like a crossword with some oomph.
SHANNON
That’s what you keep telling me.
EDNA
Before I do my crossword, I like to do some aerobics.
SHANNON
I know, EDNA.
EDNA
Aerobics are important.
SHANNON
They sure are.
EDNA
[beat] What I don’t understand is, why do you have a fan going when it’s so cold in here?
SHANNON
(gets up from chair)
Come on EDNA, I’ll walk you in, there’s only fifty two minutes left in lap swim.
EDNA
Well, I know that. Dolphins have the best memories.
SHANNON
Of course they do.
EDNA
Have I shown you this article about dolphins?
SHANNON
You keep mentioning it.
EDNA
I’m going to bring it in. One of these days I’m going to bring it in.
SHANNON
I’d love to see it.
EDNA
One of these days.
SCENE 8
(slight shift back in time here, replaying MARTY’s last few lines, and hearing Kasper and SAMUEL’s lines from earlier, but now from MARTY’s perspective)
MARTY
How hard can it be to fix a boiler? Everyone’s only thinking for themselves. Like that woman on the phone today, I could spit. Those people, if they pay their bills on time like everyone else I wouldn’t have to call them. Try and explain that. Good for nothings, every one of them.
(SAMUEL in background: I’m watching you.)
Oh Jesus, that creepy lifeguard is staring at me again. Not that he can see much through this steam.
(KASPER in background: You could’ve told me there was a chair here.)
There’s another man here? Great. Just great. Hour of the perverts.
(KASPER and SAMUEL’s dialogue continue in background, but MARTY ignores it, engrossed in her own thoughts)
Well go ahead and look. Get an eye-full. I can’t help it if my hips walk to the pool with the rest of me. I’m just going for a swim, so what if I’m shoving away pillows of steam as I go. Shove the left, and the right, and the left. And here’s my lane, this is where the show ends. And where everything begins.
(KASPER and SAMUEL’s dialogue from earlier fades up into mix, ending with KASPER’s last few lines)
KASPER
So the lane lines run this way. There’s obviously no one in there, so…
(MARTY and KASPER dive in opposite ends of the pool at the same time)
EDNA
(speaking in rhythm, as if to a beat)
And right. And left. And right. And left. Chin to chest…. And back. And front. And back. Shoulders.
(whispering)
Back. And front. And back. And front.
(EDNA continues but fades into background for SAMUEL’s lines)
SAMUEL
Where is she? Angelica is never late. Where could she be? Lap swim has already begun, and she is not here. But she is always here. And I cleaned her deck chair so well…
(EDNA’s lines fade back in)
EDNA
(speaking, still in time with an unheard beat)
Now alternate. One… two… three… four… Stretch to the right… Left… right… left. Big inhale.
(inhale, speak without air)
And blow it out.
(exhale, blowing right into mic)
END MUSIC / CREDITS
ACT II: MONDAY MONDAY
SCENE 1
Setting: Office, city water bureau.
SUMMERS
So then, we just have the matter with Eureka Bank.
KASPER
Right, sir.
SUMMERS
Have you found anything to clear it up?
KASPER
I installed a meter on the main line-out and their “water out” is indeed lower than the bill states. Their claim appears to be correct. I’ll need to draw up a refund.
SUMMERS
Let’s not rush into anything.
KASPER
But sir, they’ve been overcharged. A thousand dollars every month. For the last eight months. Or more!
SUMMERS
They’re a bank, they can handle it.
KASPER
But sir, are you suggesting–
SUMMERS
Now don’t get excited.
KASPER
(getting excited)
But, sir!
SUMMERS
Breathe KASPER. Breathe.
KASPER
I’m close to solving this!
SUMMER
I don’t know if that’s true.
KASPER
I’m very good at solving puzzles.
SUMMER
(insincere)
Yes, you are. Here, drink this.
(Kasper slurps some liquid)
Now, remember what we say: accuracy before assumptions. You’ve ascertained that the “water out” doesn’t match the bill. But what about the “water in”? Could there be a leak?
KASPER
I was going to look into that, sir. But the building has undergone major renovations. Did you know it used to be the Lurline Baths?
SUMMERS
Lurline, yes, that sounds, yes I believe so.
KASPER
After the fire that shut down Lurline, they constructed this bank around the building’s old skeleton. Now I’m not sure what the contractor was thinking, but the–
SUMMERS
City contractor.
KASPER
One of our guys?
SUMMERS
That’s right.
KASPER
Do you know who? It would be helpful to speak with him.
SUMMERS
Her.
KASPER
Her?
(as if attracted)
I’ve got to meet this woman.
SUMMERS
Dead.
KASPER
Excuse me?
SUMMERS
She died.
KASPER
Oh, no. But somebody else must have worked with her?
SUMMERS
I’ll look into it. I mean, yes, of course there’s somebody–
KASPER
They covered the main lines in solid brick, so there’s no way to monitor the water flow going into the building. I don’t know what they were thinking.
SUMMERS
Interesting, yes. Well, there’s a reason I picked you for this one, KASPER.
KASPER
I love puzzles.
SUMMERS
That’s right. Good work, keep on then, you’ll solve it in due time. By the way, did you ever visit the Crystal Plunge?
KASPER
Yes I did, and thank you for the recommendation.
SUMMERS
How was it?
KASPER
It’s a lovely pool. Their radiators are broken though.
SUMMERS
(as if he already knew)
Is that right?
KASPER
Yes, sir. I sent a message to P ‘n’ R to send a technician.
SUMMERS
It’ll never happen.
KASPER
Sir?
SUMMERS
They’re understaffed.
KASPER
But sir, it’s really bad at the Crystal Plunge, there’s zero visibility.
SUMMERS
I thought you said it was lovely.
KASPER
I mean, I found it so.
SUMMERS
Then don’t get excited about it.
KASPER
(getting excited)
But, sir!
SUMMERS
Calm down KASPER. Here, have some more.
(KASPER’s drinks some more liquid)
Now tell me about your swim there.
KASPER
Well, as I said, it was lovely, like swimming in a dream. But when I was done, I couldn’t find my clothing. I’m certain I checked the same locker, but it was gone.
SUMMERS
Gone?
KASPER
That’s right, gone. I had to drive home in my wet trunks. And there were all these people standing under the awning of Lido’s, you know that butcher, next door to the pool.
SUMMERS
Lido’s, huh?
(Brief flashback, KASPER exiting the pool in his trunks, thunder and rain, bystanders yelling to him.)
VARIOUS BYSTANDERS
-Someone’s coming out of the pool next door!
-Is it SAMUEL again?
-No, it’s not! It’s not SAMUEL again!
-Then why is he still wearing swim trunks? I thought that’s what SAMUEL wears.
-SAMUEL has nicer trunks.
-That’s right, his are much nicer.
-Then why isn’t this one wearing clothing?
-Yeah, why isn’t he wearing his clothing?
-How should I know why he’s not wearing clothing.
-Hey buddy, why aren’t you wearing clothing? Buddy?
-Not very nice swim trunks either. Not very nice at all.
[End flashback, return to SUMMER’s office]
SUMMERS
(not sounding sorry)
Sorry to hear that KASPER. But you’ll be going back?
KASPER
Yes, except for the unfortunate ending, I found it quite lovely, and I lucked upon Monday nights! Slowest night of the week there.
SUMMERS
(as if he already knew)
Is that right?
KASPER
Yes it is. [beat] Quite slow.
SUMMERS
Hmmm.
KASPER
Quite.
SUMMERS
Yes, well… (shuffles papers)
KASPER
(Kasper’s voice becomes gradually softer, but mic goes closer to him, further from Summers, as if we’re entering Kasper’s private world, until his last “quite slow” is a whisper and Summers’ last line a distant echo)
Quite slow.
SUMMERS
If there’s nothing else…
KASPER
Quite.
SUMMERS
Kasper?
KASPER
Quite slow.
SUMMERS
Oh for god’s sakes.
KASPER
Quite slow.
SUMMERS
KASPER, I have other meetings to attend to. KASPER?
[INTRO]
You’re listening to Four Mondays, a radio play by Sunny Bleckinger. This is Act II, Monday Monday.
Scene 2
[SHANNON’s desk. EDNA walks in.]
EDNA
This is the first time I’ve walked in and there wasn’t a car crash outside.
SHANNON
I know, slow night. Slower than usual.
EDNA
I can’t remember the last time there wasn’t a car crash outside.
SHANNON
It’s been dependable.
EDNA
Of course it’s just an expression, I do remember.
SHANNON
I saved this for you, it’s from the Chronicle.
(hands over the crossword from the newspaper)
EDNA
Oh my, thank you.
SHANNON
It doesn’t look as difficult as last week.
EDNA
(looking over crossword)
The clues are all about geography… Land… Bodies of water. Hmmm,
well. Thank you anyway, SHANNON.
SHANNON
My pleasure.
[EDNA’s still standing there, but not saying anything else, so SHANNON fills the space]
I’m afraid the radiators haven’t been fixed. So it’s still a steam party in there.
EDNA
That’s alright. I know my way pretty well by now. And it’s easy enough to see the paper if I hold it up close.
SHANNON
Enjoy your crossword.
EDNA
I always do. That’s right. I always do.
SHANNON
I know.
EDNA
Always.
SHANNON
Okay.
EDNA
Always do.
(EDNA walks down the hall, mic stays with her.)
SHANNON
(Calls after her)
And have a good swim!
EDNA
(To self)
I always do.
(EDNA walks through swinging doors and into pool room. Mic stays with her as we move into the next scene)
Scene 3
(EDNA settles herself on a lounge chair, opens up the newspaper, mostly whispering to herself, quite slowly, relaxing into the meditative quality of working through a crossword puzzle.)
Let’s see. “The Eastern Mediterranean and adjacent lands.” Starts with L… I don’t know that one… Alright then, let’s try another… “Vast land mass.” That’s awfully broad. Vast land mass. Okay…(counting empty boxes) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine… Nine letters. Starts with a C… Continent? (counts the letters on her fingers) C. O. N. T. I. N. E. N. T. Well, alright. That fits. Good, that’s a good start. Now, let’s go to the E here… Third letter… Five across…Okay. The clue is, “Large body of water.” Well, that could be–
KASPER
(from a short distance away)
Human!
EDNA
Excuse me? Hello?
KASPER
(walking towards her)
Hi, hi there. I couldn’t help but overhear. I was just passing. I couldn’t see you there, obviously, with all the steam. But I can kind of see you now. You have lovely hair.
EDNA
Why, thank you.
KASPER
I’m new here. It’s my second time at this pool. But it sounds like you’re working on a puzzle. I love puzzles. It gets me into trouble sometimes when I blurt out the answers. Hope I didn’t spoil it for you.
EDNA
Well, no. Thank you for trying, young man, but it’s a five letter word for “large body of water,” and the–
KASPER
(confidently)
The answer is “human.”
EDNA
That doesn’t fit.
KASPER
We’re mostly water. Human!
EDNA
No, see. The third letter is an E.
KASPER
Then the other word must be wrong. This is how you have to approach puzzles. When one link is clear–I mean, come on, it has the word “body” in the clue.
EDNA
Yes, but you see, young man–where are you going?
KASPER
(mic follows KASPER, with SAMUEL at a slight distance)
(trips over a deck chair that SAMUEL is cleaning)
Ow, jeez! They should really push these things against the walls.
(knocks over a bucket of cleanser)
SAMUEL
(from below)
Can you please watch where you’re going?
KASPER
I’m sorry, I didn’t. I didn’t see you down there.
SAMUEL
I’m cleaning this deck chair. That’s what I do. Every Monday I clean this deck chair.
KASPER
You weren’t cleaning it last Monday.
SAMUEL
You were late last Monday. Today you’re early. This is when I clean the chair.
KASPER
Only that chair?
SAMUEL
I thought it would help solve the problem.
KASPER
Problem? You mean, why people stopped showing up on Monday nights?
SAMUEL
No, that’s part of the solution.
KASPER
Solution? Tell me more, I love puzzles.
EDNA
(calling out from background)
Does anyone know a four-letter word for “small mountain lake”?
KASPER
Sorry, we’re busy!
EDNA
(still in background, more to herself)
I just thought someone would want to help.
KASPER
So, if the problem isn’t that people stopped swimming here on Monday nights–
SAMUEL
–That’s the solution.
KASPER
Right. And the problem is this deck chair…
SAMUEL
(disgusted that he has to explain this)
No, no, completely wrong. I was hoping that cleaning this deck chair would lead me to the solution. You’re new, last week was your first week? So you haven’t met Angelica. Angelica is one of the other swimmers. Except she never swims. She just lies in this deck chair and reads. I had developed a theory that she won’t swim because the other swimmers are too filthy. But for awhile the only one swimming was MARTY. And she’s quite clean, she spends twenty minutes after swimming just washing her (snaps) that’s it! Hair. Angelica doesn’t want to swim in so much hair. Tell me, would you consider wearing a swim cap?
KASPER
I don’t see why not.
SAMUEL
Marvelous!
(mic follows SAMUEL as he runs off, whispering to himself)
This is so very marvelous. Very very marvelous. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before. So marvelous, and easy.
KASPER
(fading into background, yelling to SAMUEL)
Wait, did you just solve the puzzle?
Scene 4
[mic follows SAMUEL as he runs to SHANNON’s desk, where the fan is on quite high and noisy]
SAMUEL
Hey SHANNON, do you remember–
SHANNON
(yelling over the noise of the fan)
What was that?
SAMUEL
There used to be a box–
SHANNON
You’re going to have to speak up.
SAMUEL
It was right over–
SHANNON
I cannot hear a word that you’re saying.
SAMUEL
(beat) Can you turn the fan down?
SHANNON
What?
SAMUEL
Can you turn—
SHANNON
The fan?
SAMUEL
Yes, can you.. please?
SHANNON
Okay, hold on.
(turns fan off, stops yelling)
But I’m going to break out in sweats if it’s off for too long.
SAMUEL
Why’s it so hot in here?
SHANNON
I brought this space heater in.
SAMUEL
You could turn it down, or just unplug it.
SHANNON
It’s warming my back.
SAMUEL
Right.
(remembering SHANNON’s PB&J thing)
That’s right. Look, we used have this box—
SHANNON
And the fan pulls in the cool air that’s streaming just behind you.
SAMUEL
Yeah, I know-
SHANNON
So I’ve got warmness on my back–
SAMUEL
Please don’t–
SHANNON
and coldness on my face–
SAMUEL
Don’t say it—
SHANNON
—and neck and chest.
SAMUEL
(accepting the loss)
Oh boy…
SHANNON
I call it peanut butter and jelly.
SAMUEL
Why does that disgust me?
SHANNON
It’s the height of luxury.
SAMUEL
We’re barely keeping the lights on and–
SHANNON
You should try it. (gets up)
SAMUEL
No, I–
SHANNON
(turns on fan, yells above noise)
Go on!
SAMUEL
(yelling above fan noise)
Then will you help me find—
SHANNON
Of course!
SAMUEL
Okay!
(sits in chair)
This is, amazing!
SHANNON
I know!
SAMUEL
I feel like a sandwich for children, in a good way! This is what you do all day, just sit here, in this?
SHANNON
I also answer the phone!
SAMUEL
Right! But oh my god, this is incredible! Way better than my job!
SHANNON
I know!
(turns off fan)
But you’re the hero.
SAMUEL
Wait, wait, just a little more.
SHANNON
I think you’ve had enough, Mr Lifesaver. Now what was it you were looking for?
SAMUEL
(beat, sighs in acceptance) Okay. There was a box around here, full of swim caps. It used to be–
SHANNON
(offended by the word “caps”)
Swim caps ?
SAMUEL
I saw them last week. They were on this shelf…
SHANNON
We would never stock such an item. For such vulgarities I suggest you try Fleischhacker. No class over there. Constructing a giant outdoor pool right next to the ocean? No class.
SAMUEL
Here it is. I knew I–wait, this box is… food?
SHANNON
Snacks. It’s part of a city promotion. We’re giving away free snacks.
SAMUEL
(annoyed)
Oh my lord, just tell me where they–
SHANNON
(mildly condescending)
As someone who works here, I believe you should know, The Crystal Plunge supplies only the finest in swim turbans, with a waterproof liner and decorative coral patterns. Like these.
SAMUEL
(ignoring SHANNON’s tone, genuinely relieved to get them)
Thank you. These are perfect.
SHANNON
(sincere)
Try one on.
SAMUEL
(struggles to pull it over his head)
They’re tight.
SHANNON
(matter of factly)
It’s the waterproof liner. Keeps your hair dry.
SAMUEL
I’m concerned about the hair.
SHANNON
It’ll stay dry.
SAMUEL
Can we make these mandatory?
SHANNON
Why on earth would you want to do that?
SAMUEL
You wouldn’t understand.
SHANNON
For your girlfriend?
SAMUEL
She’s not my girlfriend!
SHANNON
(turns fan back on, speaks too softly to hear over the fan)
SAMUEL
What was that?
SHANNON
(says something else, also too softly to hear)
SAMUEL
You know SHANNON if you have something to say, just go ahead and say it.
SHANNON
(turns fan off)
I am saying it.
(turns fan on)
SAMUEL
I don’t have time for this, I have people that need me.
SHANNON
(says something else too softly)
SAMUEL
(SAMUEL’s voice begins to fade here, as he walks away. Mic stays with SHANNON.)
That’s right, in the pool. That’s where I’m needed.
SHANNON
(says something else too softly)
SAMUEL
That is not true! You know what, just sit there and sit in your gross child sandwich. I’m leaving.
SHANNON
(says something else too softly)
SAMUEL
That is not true!
(goes through doors to pool)
(MARTY enters)
MARTY
Hi SHANNON!
SHANNON
Oh, hi! Hold on!
(turns off fan)
How was your week?
MARTY
I’m just fine. Can’t say the same for those two jerks outside.
SHANNON
Car crash?
MARTY
Mm hmm.
SHANNON
Finally. I was wondering why it was so quiet out there.
MARTY
It’s not quiet anymore. All the hosers are back too, standing outside Lido’s, just gaping, not doing anything.
SHANNON
Better call my friend at 911. I’ve got his personal extension.
(dials 9-1- then stops)
Oh, that reminds me. I’m supposed to get everyone’s emergency contact info. I should’ve asked you on your first day, but I always forget. Would you mind filling this out? Just who to call in case something bad happens. I mean, besides 911. Your partner, a family member, if they’re in town. Someone at work, maybe?
MARTY
At work? Those people are the worst. I wouldn’t trust them with my lunch order.
SHANNON
(phone rings, SHANNON picks it up)
Hello? Oh, hi! I was just about to call you. Well, there’s been a car crash outside. Yeah, big surprise, right? I know! So, is anyone available?
(playfully)
You know what I mean! I mean to come out here. Hey now, we’ve been through this before. Mm hmm. Yes. Because I know it’s not your first day. But I’m still going to say it. I’m still going to say it. That’s right, you should send somebody!
MARTY
(walking away, mic follows her up the hall and into locker room. Her dialogue continues as she opens locker, changes, closes locker, and enters pool room)
Not that we get enough time for lunch. And they call that a break room? That is not a room for taking breaks. It’s more like a janitor’s closet with a fridge. I swear, if Roger takes off his shoes and socks in there one more time I’m going to yell at him.
(As if talking to imaginary co-worker)
If you’re going to wear black socks, wait till you get home to pick the lint from between your toes. Not here, where people are trying to eat. What are you thinking? And does anybody else care? Go on, chew your wonder bread while he pokes between his toes.
(Back to present, talking to self)
It was not like this on the east coast. Somebody would’ve said something. But nobody says anything here. Next time he does that I swear I’m going to tell him how it is, and then I’m gonna walk right out, leave them in shock, pack up my lunch and eat outside. I don’t care if it’s raining. I’m not putting up with it. It’s my break. Sandra always eats outside and nobody cares. Not that Sandra’s a role model. She just goes down the customer list, calls them one by one. And if they don’t answer, which they never do, she just checks off the box and moves right along.
(To imaginary co-worker)
There’s more than one number to call. Of course they’re not home. They work the same hours that we do. So you gotta call them at their work.
(Back to present, talking to self)
I tried telling her. But she won’t change. They never change. People never change.
(suddenly pleasant as she approaches the pool)
Well, anyway.
(jumps in)
I love it down here. So cool and clear and … ohh, I love peeing in the pool.
SAMUEL
(distant, barely heard through water. Blows whistle, yells)
No peeing in the pool!
[musical transition, segue to SAMUEL and EDNA talking by the pool]
Scene 5
EDNA
Well, I don’t see why not.
SAMUEL
It’s just–
EDNA
I swim at this pool like everyone else.
SAMUEL
It’s not that, it’s, these are for the people with…
EDNA
With what?
SAMUEL
(sighs) Real hair.
EDNA
I see.
SAMUEL
(suddenly trying to be nice)
You know, there’s plenty. Which one would you like?
EDNA
My mother had the same problem.
SAMUEL
[beat] Really?
EDNA
She never told me. Not until I got into my thirties and then she saw, it was starting in with me too. That’s when she showed me. Her wig. Told me how she cares for it and sets it in place. She told me how her mom had one, and Aunt Margo. She said, for some reason she thought I would be skipped. And then, out of nowhere, she pulled me in close and just, she held me. Started humming this old tune she used to always hum. She led me to her car, drove me over to Dershowitz’s Shop, had me pick out the one I liked. Can you imagine? I was in my thirties. I wasn’t married, but I was on my own. And then, as if time were washed away, I was standing in that shop, my mother gripping her wallet and beaming, and me feeling like a child again, that old feeling of being cared for. That was probably the last time I felt that. And maybe the last time my mom felt like a mom. Anyway, this is the one I chose. (takes off wig)
SAMUEL
Whoa! You just, took it right off…
EDNA
It still holds up, after all these years. And it is real hair, by the way. Indian hair. Those girls in India have so much they don’t know what to do with it. They shear if off and sell it to us balding Americans. That’s probably not quite how it goes. It must have something to do with poverty. I never knew if I should be sad or proud of owning this. Here, take a sniff, smells spicy…. I’m pulling your leg. People always think it’s going to smell like India. But no. It was washed long before it got here.
SAMUEL
(in awe)
You’re so bald.
EDNA
Like an eagle! It’s uncommon I suppose. Most of the women that have it just get it on the crown. But my family’s lucky. All the Winkler women know they’ll inherit two bits of bad news. ‘May be why I never went and had kids myself.
SAMUEL
(SAMUEL returns to present topic because he’s uncomfortable with how intimate the conversation is becoming)
[beat] Well, I guess you won’t be needing one of these.
(plastic squeaky sound as he stretches swim turban)
EDNA
I sure would appreciate one.
SAMUEL
Really? Well, yeah, of course. They’re free to borrow every week.
EDNA
That’s good. Because I come every week. Haven’t missed a Monday. I’ve been coming every Monday for, what, twelve years now, ever since I read that Reader’s Digest. I loved that magazine. It had an article about this, this marine biologist, he played recordings of dolphin calls to a dolphin in captivity.
SAMUEL
[blows whistle, yells]
No peeing in the pool!
EDNA
I’ve always wondered, how in the world can you tell? I can’t even see through the steam in here.
SAMUEL
When you’ve worked here as long as I have you learn to sense these
things.
EDNA
That’s amazing.
SAMUEL
It’s nothing, really.
EDNA
I’d say it’s something.
SAMUEL
[looking around, getting sad & worried]
Where is she?
EDNA
(Getting happy, childlike)
Who’s that?
SAMUEL
Angelica. Two weeks in a row, not showing up. It’s not like her.
EDNA
Angelica you say?
SAMUEL
Yeah.
EDNA
She doesn’t seem to be here.
SAMUEL
No.
EDNA
I’ll take the pink one.
SAMUEL
[beat] Oh, yeah, of course.
(hands her the pink swim turban)
EDNA
It’s tight.
SAMUEL
You have to get it wet first. Here…
(He dunks the swim turban in pool water)
And then you just…
(stretches swim turban over her head)
EDNA
Wait, now…
SAMUEL
If you could push up with the front of your head…
EDNA
Ow…
SAMUEL
And just… There! Like that.
EDNA
But these–
SAMUEL
They’re supposed to go over your ears. Yeah.
EDNA
Well. That was lovely. I daresay, you’re making me feel young again.
SAMUEL
(unsure how to take this)
Huh, alright.
EDNA
But I really must finish my crossword. And then I’ll do my aerobics.
[musical segue]
Scene 6
(switching between the thoughts of KASPER and MARTY as they swim in different lanes)
KASPER
(swimming, thoughts separated by heavy breathing from the exercise)
Reach for it, turn, and… kick off! Ok, this is good, keep moving. Now, what do we know? The water-out matches the claim. And the bill is higher than the water-out. Summers says there might be a leak. But there can’t be a leak, we had guys all over the building, we would’ve seen minor flooding, at least. It’s built on the former Lurline Baths, which was–warm? There’s always a warm spot in this lane. Wait, this is the last saltwater pool in town. They pump the water in from the ocean. Oceans have warm spots. But that wouldn’t travel through the pipes. They pump the water in from the wharf. I’ve always liked that word. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf.
MARTY
[swimming, out of breath]
Oh jesus. I don’t know why I keep coming here. Swimming. This is horrible. I need a break….
[Kasper swimming by in background saying “Wharf” with each exhale]
Oh he is such a hoser. I can’t swim next to that man. Maybe just a quick… [sigh] Well that warms up the water. Mmm, feels nice. I don’t know why he has to swim next to me. He probably wants to have sex with me. Gross. Well I’m just moving over then. Onto fresher waters.
[swims under lane line into lane three]
Ah, okay, back to it.
[resumes swimming]
Just keep going, not too much longer [sigh] Boy. Lotta work. [out of breath] I just… whoa. Okay… Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
[pan / fade out]
KASPER
[same as above, but continuing on]
Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Reach for it… turn and push off. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Hey she’s moving over. Oh thank goodness. I don’t like swimming on the end. Lane number two is much better [swims under lane line] Wharf. Wharf. So. They pump the water in from the wharf. Through a single line, must be a hundred years old. Used to branch off to all the pools. Now this is the last one. Last saltwater–warm! A warm spot again. The nature of ocean water is… Wharf. The single pipe. Wharf. Wharf. That long pipe… Wharf. For this last pool… Wharf. Strange… Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf.
MARTY
Oh my god he’s moving over again. What. A. Hoser.
[musical interlude, swimming sounds]
Scene 7
[Locker rooms, switching between
men’s and women’s]
KASPER
(opens locker)
Oh god not again. Who would take my clothing? This is my locker? How odd. Who would… And why… Let’s see… I’m in the men’s locker room… and I’ve only seen two other men tonight. Both employees. Why would an employee… Unless a woman came in. The steam’s so thick it’s not like it matters. But they…
MARTY
(opens locker)
Oh come on. I thought this would have stopped by now. God he is such a hoser. What is he doing with my clothing anyway? I swear, if this happens one more time I’m going straight up to him, and I’m gonna tell him. (through clenched teeth) You are such a hoser.
(slams locker closed)
Scene 8
[outside, rain thunder]
VARIOUS BYSTANDERS
-Someone else is coming out of the pool next door.
-Is it SAMUEL again?
-No, It’s not SAMUEL again. How can you not know what he looks like by now?
-I’m near sighted!
-Well go near her and you’ll see she’s not SAMUEL.
-SAMUEL has nicer trunks.
-That’s right, his are much nicer.
-Then why isn’t this one wearing clothing?
-Same reason that other one isn’t, I guess.
-There’s two?
-Yeah, there’s two.
-Hey buddy, who’s your girlfriend? Buddy?
-Not very nice swim trunks on that one. Not very nice at all.
KASPER
(thinking)
Why are those people always standing there? Man it’s cold, just get to the car and crank the–what is she doing? Why is she standing in front of my car?
MARTY
[standing in front of KASPER’s car, thinking]
I’m practically naked. I would have never worn the vixen if I knew that hoser was going to take my clothes again.
(Bystanders in front of Lido’s heard in background)
Oh my god do those hosers ever leave? They need to get a job. And what does he think he’s doing? Hoping to have a little chat, in the rain while we’re shivering? Cute, mister. Real cute.
KASPER
I wish she didn’t stop right in front of my car.
MARTY
What could he want?
KASPER
Why did she stop directly in front of my car?
MARTY
Don’t make eye contact.
KASPER
She’s directly in front of my car.
MARTY
Jesus, if he keeps walking towards me–
KASPER
Completely obstructing–
MARTY
Pervert.
KASPER
with her fat–
MARTY
Fuck–
KASPER
[speaking voice]
Hi.
MARTY
[speaking voice]
Hi.
KASPER
Sorry, I just need to [beat] my car.
MARTY
Oh yes, of course. I didn’t know. (politely) Great car.
KASPER
Thanks, it’s a city vehicle. I just have it during the week.
MARTY
[beat] So you work for the city?
KASPER
Yeah. (awkward silence)
MARTY
I’m at the phone company. Billing.
KASPER
You must be good with numbers.
MARTY
That’s accounting. I mostly have to track down people that don’t pay.
KASPER
(Impressed)
That sounds–
MARTY
Horrible.
KASPER
No–
MARTY
It’s horrible.
KASPER
I think it sounds great.
MARTY
You do?
KASPER
Oh yes, it takes a lot of brainpower to find people. You can’t just give up after one. call. It’s a kind of puzzle, you have to try different angles.
MARTY
(mildly flirtatious)
I just might have to bring you to work with me.
KASPER
Heh, yeah. Maybe.
(awkward silence, then he blurts)
I like patterns.
MARTY
Oh thank you! I just got this, it’s leopard print.
KASPER
No, I mean, the patterns that appear when you’re solving a puzzle.
MARTY
(dissapointed) Oh. [beat] I’m cold.
KASPER
Me too.
MARTY
I’m gonna go to my car.
KASPER
Me too. I guess I’m already–
MARTY
Goodnight.
KASPER
–here. Yeah, goodnight.
MARTY
(walking away, thinking)
What a hoser!
KASPER
(walking away, thinking)
What a joanie!
[Rain, thunder, music. End Credits.]
ACT III: MONDAY MONDAY
SCENE 1
Setting: Phone booth, heavy rain outside
(phone ringing in receiver)
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Hello?
SAMUEL
Hi, this is SAMUEL. I’m the lifeguard at the Crystal Plunge.
[waits for response, continues after awkward pause]
I’m calling–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
(a little long, drawn out)
Helllllo.
SAMUEL
Hi. [beat] I’m calling on behalf–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
O-kay.
SAMUEL
–on behalf of the city. [beat] As you may know we’ve been running a promotion for aero-
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Right.
SAMUEL
Aerobics. [beat] And we just have to follow-up with some of the residents.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
[beat] Yeah, well. I don’t swim.
SAMUEL
Have you ever been to a city pool?
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
It’s my skin.
SAMUEL
Do you clean yourself?
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
It dries out from the chlorine.
SAMUEL
I see. Well, did you know–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
(a little angry)
Do I what?
SAMUEL
The Crystal Plunge is a salt–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Do I clean myself?
SAMUEL
–a saltwater pool.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
What in hell kind of question is that?
SAMUEL
Well, hygiene is–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Christ almighty.
SAMUEL
Saltwater pools can actually be good for–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
You say the Crystal Plunge?
SAMUEL
That’s right.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
(thinks for a moment, makes some mouth sound)
I never been there.
SAMUEL
That’s fine. I’ll just mark on the survey. Zero.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
My sister though–
SAMUEL
(a little too eager)
Yes?
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
(the mouth sound again)
She swims at your pool.
SAMUEL
I see. Well, for the purpose of the survey, can you tell me how–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Every Monday.
SAMUEL
(writing it down)
Okay, I’ll just mark down, one time per week.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
[beat] Yup.
SAMUEL
Do you know if she participates in any other aerobic pro–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
You ever get them radiators fixed?
SAMUEL
Did she mention those?
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Said the place all steamed up, can’t see past y’ knees.
SAMUEL
Yes, well the city said–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Can’t be that hard to fix. I fixed radiators before.
SAMUEL
They should be repaired shortly.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Only one moving part. Called an Air Valve.
SAMUEL
Yes well they should be–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
‘S why she was trying to get me to come out to your pool. Steam up my dry skin.
SAMUEL
Wait, is that why she–
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Said there’s nothing like it. Best thing there is.
SAMUEL
That’s why she sits there and just reads?
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
(mouth sound)
SAMUEL
(more to himself)
It’s not what I thought at all.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
If there’s nothing else.
SAMUEL
(still to himself)
I was wrong.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
If we’re through with your survey, I mean.
SAMUEL
I was completely wrong.
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
Cause I’m just about through answering your questions.
SAMUEL
How could I be so wrong?
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
If you don’t got no more.
SAMUEL
I’m never wrong.
(SAMUEL walks away, leaves phone dangling from cord, voice of ANGELICA’s BROTHER fades away as mic travels with SAMUEL)
ANGELICA’s BROTHER
You say you’re the lifeguard? [beat] Hello? [beat] Hello? Mister Lifeguard? [beat] Hello? [beat] You still there? [beat] Hello? [beat] I don’t have all day. [beat] Hello?
(fade in rain, thunder, car crash in the distance)
[Intro]
You’re listening to The Four Mondays, a radio play by Sunny Bleckinger. This is Act Three: Monday Monday Monday.
SCENE 2
MARTY is driving her car. Windshield wipers are squealing under a heavy rain.
MARTY
Oh my god this is the worst day ever. I hate this drink.
(slurping last of soda through straw)
Wait… I said 32-ounce. This is not even… Oh my god.
(getting more annoyed)
And what is he doing, jesus. Come on. Come [honks horn] on! I know it’s raining, you…
(outside of her car, tires skid before the sound of car crash. MARTY is nonchalant, annoyed.)
Nobody knows how to drive. It’s not that hard. Hoser… Hoser! [honks] Oh boy, there he goes.
(tires peel out, she slurps more soda)
(She turns on the radio, switching between radio stations. She puts on the turn signal; cut to the sound of her tires on the driveway, the car shutting off, she gets out, closes the door, locks it. In near distance a car honks, skids and–)
Sure, why not.
(A loud car crash.)
Well done.
(annoyed, as if a roommate’s cat just vomited)
This better be cleaned up by the time I’m back.
(she goes inside)
Scene 3
Setting: SHANNON’s desk
MARTY
Hi SHANNON.
SHANNON
(casually flipping through old Reader’s Digest magazine)
Oh, Hi MARTY. See any car crashes on the way over?
MARTY
You know, they used to impress me. Now I can’t even pretend to care.
SHANNON
(turns another page in magazine)
Yowzer, look at the pants on this one!
MARTY
Excuse me?
SHANNON
In this ad.
(shows MARTY a picture in the magazine)
MARTY
Huh.
SHANNON
The magazine’s only twelve years old, I wouldn’t’ve thought so much could change.
MARTY
EDNA brought that in?
SHANNON
Yeah, she wanted SAMUEL to see some article.
MARTY
The one about dolphins?
SHANNON
That’s right! I’m supposed to give it to him, but (looking around) I’m not sure where he went.
MARTY
The lifeguard?
SHANNON
(More casual flipping through the magazine)
Holy moly look at this guy’s hair!
MARTY
You’re not sure where the lifeguard went?
SHANNON
What?
MARTY
It’s not safe without him.
SHANNON
Oh, right. He’ll be back.
MARTY
He can’t just leave us alone in there.
SHANNON
You won’t be alone. EDNA’s in there. And KASPER, the newest swimmer at the Crystal Plunge!
MARTY
How can you not know where the lifeguard is?
SHANNON
Well, let’s see. First he walked in that way, then he went out that way. He can’t be far.
MARTY
You never leave your chair do you?
SHANNON
That is not true. There’s an electrical outlet, way over there. So to plug in my heater I have to get up. But (looking around) I can get to everything else on this chair. It rolls.
MARTY
[sighs] I’m going for my swim. If that idiot isn’t back soon and I drown, I swear I’m going to sue.
SHANNON
Sometimes I make a BM. (whispering) I have to get up for that.
MARTY
Oh my god. Goodbye.
SHANNON
Wait! I just remembered.
MARTY
(annoyed) What.
SHANNON
I still need you to fill out that emergency contact form.
MARTY
Oh, fine.
SHANNON
I’ve got it here… (rolling around in chair) I thought it was… It’s not here. I always keep them in a folder… right here.
MARTY
If there’s an emergency, it’s real easy. Call the lifeguard!
SHANNON
He’s not here.
MARTY
Yeah. Yeah. Great. (walking away) Worst day ever.
Scene 4
Setting: outdoor phone booth, heavy rain
(phone ringing in receiver)
EARNESTINE
(on other end of the line, chewing gum)
Happy Teeth. Take-out or dine in?
SAMUEL
May I speak to Anjelica?
EARNESTINE
There’s no Anjelica here.
[then, as if someone recently taught her to use endearing terms]
Honey.
SAMUEL
Is this Happy Teeth?
EARNESTINE
Sure is.
SAMUEL
Then Anjelica must work there.
EARNESTINE
Nah uh.
SAMUEL
But, she wrote… this is her “Place of Employment.”
EARNESTINE
Oooooh, you mean Anjie.
SAMUEL
Are you serious?
EARNESTINE
Nice girl. I don’t think she works here anymore. I’m taking her shifts. That’s why I don’t think–
(a tray of dishes are knocked over in background, EARNESTINE yells to co-worker, is genuinely nice to him)
You okay Saul? Okay, don’t worry about it, Saul. Don’t worry.
SAMUEL
This is.. a diner?
EARNESTINE
Bingo.
(beat, again remembering to use an endearing term)
Sugar lips. You should order something.
SAMUEL
(more to himself)
I thought she worked in a dentist’s office.
EARNESTINE
Anjie? In a dentist office!
(half cough, half laugh, almost brings up something wet)
That’s rich.
SAMUEL
Who calls a diner Happy Teeth?
EARNESTINE
Mr Shebranski. The owner. He makes the food crunchy and good. That makes happy teeth, right? [beat] Pumpkin bottom.
SAMUEL
[beat] Right.
EARNESTINE
What’s your name?
SAMUEL
(importantly)
SAMUEL. I’m the lifeguard at the Crystal Plunge.
EARNESTINE
And you’re looking for Anjie?
SAMUEL
(becoming impatient)
That’s right.
EARNESTINE
And you don’t know where she is?
SAMUEL
[sighs]
EARNESTINE
Is her scar part of the attraction?
SAMUEL
Scar?
EARNESTINE
On her cheek. That little puffy scar.
SAMUEL
I’ve never seen it.
EARNESTINE
You’ve never seen her face?
SAMUEL
I want to. There’s so much steam. The radiators are broken and the entire place is thick with steam. You can’t see anyone clearly.
EARNESTINE
Don’t you talk to her?
SAMUEL
[beat] She always slips in so quietly. I often don’t know she’s there until I hear the crinkle of her turning a page in her book. She never swims, she just lies in that deck chair and reads.
EARNESTINE
You’ve never heard her voice?
SAMUEL
Oh, I’ve heard it. It has the soft persistence of a ball of yarn tossed against a hard wind, the strings unraveling.
EARNESTINE
(dismissive)
Oh boy.
SAMUEL
It’s like a flute–
EARNESTINE
It’s not.
SAMUEL
It is.
EARNESTINE
Flutes are high and shrill.
SAMUEL
Not when they play low notes. That low flute vibrato? That’s the voice of a mature woman, a woman who finally gives up smoking. And after two, maybe three years, some of the softness in her tone begins to return, but there’s a slight pinch and a scratch from all those years of tar.
EARNESTINE
(impressed)
That’s good. She was a smoker. Talks about it sometimes. Quit a couple years back. How’d you pick that up?
SAMUEL
I’m a good listener.
EARNESTINE
Come on, she told you.
SAMUEL
We’ve never spoken.
EARNESTINE
How do you know the sound of her voice?
SAMUEL
Sometimes she speaks under the brim of that floppy sun hat.
EARNESTINE
She wears her sun hat in there?
SAMUEL
(adoringly)
Always. It’s funny, I know. To an indoor pool… One time I was talking to EDNA.
EARNESTINE
Who?
SAMUEL
EDNA. The oldest swimmer at the Crystal Plunge. I was telling her to be careful on the slippery floor.
(Flashback: pool sounds. EDNA and SAMUEL talking)
EDNA
I am careful.
SAMUEL
Of course, but the handrails along the wall, if you held onto them as you enter and exit the room–
EDNA
I’m not as old as you think, young man.
SAMUEL
There’s so much condensation on the floor, it can be very slippery.
EDNA
I haven’t fallen once in my life, and I’m not about to start now.
[ANJELICA clears throat]
(end flashback, back to present, phone call)
SAMUEL
And right there, ANJELICA clears her throat.
ERNESTINE
Uh huh.
SAMUEL
I didn’t realize we were standing so close to her. She was lying on her deck chair as always, and without even looking up from her book, she said, There’s a dry path. We didn’t know what she was talking about. Her hand floated up and pointed. And sure enough, there was this winding little path. The concrete floor must swell up just enough so the condensation runs off, it’s this long meandering, very slight mound in the floor. I had never noticed it before. No one had. So I started to watch. Each week when ANJELICA entered the room, she would take that path, gingerly, quietly.
EARNESTINE
Then you must have seen her face?
SAMUEL
I saw her chin. Sometimes I can see her mouth. I told you, she wears a floppy sun hat. And she’s usually looking down.
EARNESTINE
I find it hard to believe you never spoke to her. Not once?
SAMUEL
There was one time. A new patron had arrived and I was showing him around. He didn’t last. They never last. But I showed him where my chair was and said that I would be there and told him not to drown. It’s my spiel. I go through it with everyone.
(flashback, pool. SAMUEL talking to new guy)
And that’s where I will be. I will sit there and I will listen to everyone. Now, do not drown. But if you do, I will save you. I’m the lifeguard.
(ANJELICA clears throat)
(end flashback)
And then ANJELICA cleared her throat again.
ERNESTINE
Huh.
SAMUEL
I was so caught up in what I was saying, I hadn’t realized that we’d walked right up to where she was sitting, reading a book, her face obscured by that big sun hat. She cleared her throat and said, He’s the Tiger’s Eye. She was talking about me! Now I didn’t know what that was, so I asked her. I spoke to her. I said, What’s a Tiger’s Eye? And she said, It’s a kind of quartz, a rare gem stone, if you find it, and keep it close, it will keep you safe. Always. She didn’t look up, she never looks up. She just turned the page of her book and kept on reading.
EARNESTINE
She said the same thing to me.
SAMUEL
(amused, but slightly fearful)
No, she didn’t.
EARNESTINE
Actually, you’re right. She called me an amethyst. Gems are her thing, calls everyone a gemstone. You should see her tips! That’s where I got the idea. Tried using sweets on people. I think it’s starting to work. Customers are noticing. (slightly flirtatiously) I think you’re noticing, too. (beat) Mango Puff.
SAMUEL
That is not a real dessert.
EARNESTINE
(yelling to a co-worker)
Hey Betty can you fill the waters on table four. No, table four! Yeah, Thanks!
(back into phone)
Anyway, I don’t know where she is. She quit. (in a sultry voice) But I tell you what, you come by sometime you can get close and protect me. (another wet half cough) Just ask for EARNESTINE.
(yelling to co-worker)
No Betty, I said table four. Well alright, they need water too. But then table four!
(back into phone)
Hello, SAMUEL? You still there? [beat] Yule log? Apple strudel? Zwetschgenkuchen? That one’s German. It’s real good, a short crust with plums! SAMUEL? Hello?
(fade in rain, thunder, probably a car crash in the distance)
Scene 5
(poolside, EDNA and MARTY in the middle of a conversation. It is clear that EDNA is the only one who gets MARTY, finds her hilarious, and this cheers up MARTY.)
EDNA
(laughing)
He did? Oh my goodness!
MARTY
Just poked his fingers right in there.
EDNA
I still can’t imagine where they found him. What’s his name, Roger?
MARTY
Roger, yeah.
EDNA
He just leaves it on the floor?
MARTY
Yep, everyday. A little pile of toe lint. A little mound. Right in the middle of the breakroom.
EDNA
What color are the floor tiles?
MARTY
Blinding white.
EDNA
(laughing at the thought of it)
And he wears black socks?
MARTY
I saw Sandra step in it today. I mean, it’s just lint, she couldn’t feel it. But it smells like his feet, and it stuck to the sole of her shoe. I bet she brought it home.
EDNA
She’s probably sniffing around right now, trying to figure out what that smell is!
MARTY
Right!
EDNA
Oh mercy.
MARTY
You know, I kept saying this is the worst day ever but I almost forgot that I get to see you.
EDNA
Aww, that’s sweet.
MARTY
I’ve been meaning to tell you this for years. You’re the only one I’ve got that feels like family.
EDNA
Oh my, thank you. I had no idea. You told me about Agnes, but are your parents gone too?
MARTY
They’re still around. It doesn’t always feel like it though.
EDNA
They’re back on the east coast?
MARTY
Yeah, but they could be next door and it wouldn’t matter. When my sister [beat] went, they both just deflated. It was kind of like being raised by ghosts. They were there but they weren’t. Still aren’t.
EDNA
After twenty years, they’re still…
MARTY
Yep.
EDNA
And you were probably too small to remember how they were before Agnes passed away.
MARTY
Probably, yeah.
EDNA
Am I the only one you talk to about this? About her?
MARTY
My sister?
EDNA
You don’t have to go into that pool to find her.
MARTY
What? I don’t, that’s ridiculous.
EDNA
MARTY. I’m the only one you talk to about this, and you can’t keep it locked away for much longer. She was your twin sister, and nobody helped you through the loss.
MARTY
(letting go, remembering)
Agnes.
EDNA
That’s a girl. And besides, I’ll probably forget all this by next week.
MARTY
(laughs)
Stop it. You can’t forget.
EDNA
Well, there’s no use in my hiding either, I suppose.
MARTY
I saw you brought that issue in. That Reader’s Digest from ‘71. The one you’re always talking about.
EDNA
It’s funny, I thought I had it in my head, the whole story, clear as day. Then I read it over last night, and it was terrifying. I know I’m starting to forget things, and I’ve got my little tricks to hide behind. Everyone can see through them. But when you’ve been doing something for so many years, and then forget why, well, it’s…
MARTY
You mean, coming to the pool?
EDNA
Oh, I’ve always like swimming pools. No, I mean the crosswords. And the aerobics. I read that article twelve years ago. It had the sweetest story about a dolphin, how their memory works. And some tips to learn from them, their lifestyle, if you call it that. It suggested doing crosswords everyday, and aerobics. To keep your mind and heart strong. And I’ve been doing them. Stuck right with it. And all the while my memory is crumbling. To the point where I forgot why I started the crosswords in the first place.
MARTY
I think I’d forget something after twelve years.
EDNA
Right. But when you’re reminded of it, the pathway gets lit up, and that little picture from years ago is suddenly clear again. And that’s just it. I read the article, it’s a perfectly logical explanation of what I’m doing, and I have no memory of it at all. Like running into a stranger on the street and they know your full name. The funny thing is, I hate crossword puzzles.
MARTY
(laughs)
Really?
EDNA
Oh my god they’re so boring. Five letters horizontal for an Asian bush. Who cares!
MARTY
(laughing again)
That’s amazing.
EDNA
I guess that’s one good thing to come out of this, I can find a hobby I actually enjoy.
MARTY
Right on! What did you do when you were young?
EDNA
Oh now that’s a question. I’m almost afraid to look back. [pauses to think] Years ago a friend called to tell me about a big fire in our childhood neighborhood. Homes lost and trees blackened. Just horrible. She was went back and see what was what. But not me. No thank you. I’ll stay right here. I don’t need to see more of my history burned away.
MARTY
You seem so clear today.
EDNA
It’s one of my good days.
MARTY
Why did you want SAMUEL to see that article?
EDNA
It has a lovely part about a diver that rescued an injured dolphin. You know how he always wants to save people.
MARTY
Oh, I know.
EDNA
I guess I just thought he’d get a kick out of it. You never know, he might have to save a dolphin some day. Can you imagine?
MARTY
I bet he’d love that.
EDNA
(getting up from chair)
Well, I should probably get to it.
MARTY
That’s right, we’re here to swim!
EDNA
(lies down on floor)
No, I mean my vertical leg crunches.
MARTY
Oh right. How are they coming?
EDNA
I’d say alright. I do five on each leg. That’s just the start. I’ve got a whole aerobics routine.
MARTY
So you’re gonna keep doing them?
EDNA
Of course, dear. I do them everyday. And when I’m done with this I’ll do my crosswords.
MARTY
(concerned)
Right.
EDNA
(doing vertical leg crunches)
Okay… One. Two. Three. Four.
MARTY
(trying to muster enthusiasm)
You’re doing great!
EDNA
Five. And now the left… One. Two. Three. (pauses to take a breath) Whew, the left is always tighter. Okay. Four. And five. And now some disco arms.
MARTY
(to herself, squinting at KASPER through the steam)
What is he doing over there?
EDNA
What was that, dear?
MARTY
Oh, nothing. I’ll be back in a sec.
EDNA
(EDNA will fade out here, as mic follows MARTY)
Alright dear. Let’s see. Hip to the left, right arm out. Okay… (in time, as if to a beat) And one. And two. And three. And four. And five. And six. And seven. And eight. Now left arm. One. And two. And three. And four. And five. And six. And seven. And eight.
Scene 6
(Mic follows MARTY as she walks over to KASPER, who is standing in front of a closed door.)
MARTY
What are you doing?
KASPER
Oh, hi. Um, I didn’t expect this door to have a sign. It says, Staff Only.
MARTY
It also says Boiler Room. I’m certain there are no toilets down there, you should just go to the locker–
KASPER
I think I know how to fix the problem with the steam.
MARTY
Really?
KASPER
I was talking to a technician at work, and he explained how it all should work. If only I could go down there and look–
MARTY
Let’s go!
(She charges through the door and goes downstairs)
KASPER
Wait, but… the sign!
(he follows her tentatively down the stairs)
Scene 7
(Boiler Room is cavernous, lots of reverb on their voices. And at
first, pitch black)
MARTY
There’s got to be a light switch somewhere.
KASPER
I found it!
(flicks the switch. Even with the single naked bulb on, the light is so dim it doesn’t reach the far walls, making it difficult to see just how large the space is)
MARTY
Whoa, this place is huge.
KASPER
The history of these underground rooms is really interesting, when you read about–
MARTY
Yeah yeah. You said you know how to fix the steam?
KASPER
Well, I wrote down some notes, from what my colleague said. He just told me how it’s supposed to work, and from there it’s like a puzzle, just find the piece that’s out of place. Or broken, probably.
MARTY
There’s no steam down here…
KASPER
That tells us the leak is upstairs, but the source of the problem can sometimes be earlier in the line. Let’s see, it all starts with the, here it is. (majestically) The boiler.
MARTY
(sarcastic)
Lovely.
KASPER
It must be a hundred years old. Kind of a genius system, really. See this flame down here, that heats the water inside the boiler, it turns to steam, and then the steam shoots through… uh… through this pipe here, which leads to every radiator in the building. They stay hot for awhile, until the steam cools and turns back into water, and comes back down through, um… through this pipe. Called the (looks through notes) the “wet return.”
MARTY
(sarcastic)
Sexy.
KASPER
(sincere)
It gets better. Because it’s a closed system–that means the water never leaves–
MARTY
I get it. Closed system. Not that hard.
KASPER
I’m trying to–
MARTY
Explain the obvious? I noticed. Just keep going.
KASPER
The point is, the water in this boiler has got to be the same water they put in on day one. Can you imagine? That water must smell like… historic odor!
MARTY
That did not get better. You had a chance at “wet return” and then… downhill from there. Oh well.
KASPER
I just don’t understand why… this pipe is here… Look, there’s a third pipe going to the boiler. Why would that be there?
MARTY
You know what else is odd. The two of us, alone down here. Wearing nothing but swimsuits.
KASPER
(still focused on pipe)
It looks kind of new.
MARTY
Nope, I’ve had it for three weeks. Still tight.
(snaps elastic at her hips)
KASPER
(still focused on pipe)
And it’s not clear if it’s an “in” or an “out.”
MARTY
Some clues just go right past you, don’t they, puzzle boy?
(snaps elastic at her hips again)
KASPER
Actually, I think I’m onto something here.
MARTY
(she’s now making jokes for her own sake, secure in knowing that he’s not going to pick up on it anyway)
You could be onto something. Something soft, with some “in” and some “out.” And again. And again.
KASPER
If there’s all that steam escaping in the rooms above–
MARTY
Cause there is no steam down here.
KASPER
Then this pipe must be supplying extra water, which means the wet return is dry.
MARTY
You can say that again.
KASPER
But who would install this pipe?
MARTY
I don’t know, but this stopped being fun a long time ago. I’m going back up.
KASPER
If I just follow this pipe to its source…
(he’s walking under pipe, deeper into underground room)
MARTY
(and she’s walking the other direction, heading back up the stairs)
That’s right, just keep following your pipe.
(To self)
What a hoser!
(closes door behind her)
KASPER
I’m sure it goes through a wall but there might be some kind of–
(trips over cardboard box)
Ow! What is this doing here? Wait…
(looking through contents of the box)
This is.. it can’t be.
(getting excited)
But oh my god it makes perfect sense. Of course!
(becoming deliriously happy)
This explains everything. I’m going to solve these puzzles. All of them! This is the piece. Or, the pieces! I had no idea how important they were. It’s all coming together!
(music segue)
Scene 8
Setting: Phone booth, heavy rain outside
(phone ringing in receiver)
MARIANA
‘Allo?
SAMUEL
Hello, I’m calling on behalf of the city Parks and Recreation department.
MARIANA
‘Allo.
SAMUEL
Hi. We’re just verifying the emergency contacts we have, in case anything of a um, emergency nature–
MARIANA
Please tell me who you are.
SAMUEL
I am SAMUEL. I’m the lifeguard at the pool.
(Waits for response, doesn’t get one)
Anyway, your name was written down as a contact for ANJELICA, one of the regular swimmers–.
MARIANA
I am MARIANA, the owner of this apartment building. ANJELICA lives in room seven. I live on the ground floor.
SAMUEL
Yes, that’s good, so we have the correct number, good. Now tell me, does she by any chance ever call you, say, Saphire?
MARIANA
She knocks on my door sometimes, for conversation. Please say again for me your name.
SAMUEL
I am SAMUEL. I’m the lifegaurd, at the Crystal–
MARIANA
She loves you.
SAMUEL
(breathless)
What?
MARIANA
Like a brother.
SAMUEL
Oh.
MARIANA
I have said the wrong word. What was it… Like a lover!
SAMUEL
Really?
MARIANA
Yes! A lover is a boy who grows up in your own family, no?
SAMUEL
No, not–no.
MARIANA
English is very difficult.
SAMUEL
Did she describe her feelings beyond the one word?
MARIANA
She said that you were being the reason for why she returned to the swimming pool.
SAMUEL
Really?
MARIANA
Your name is SHANNON, right?
SAMUEL
Oh my God. This is SAMUEL.
MARIANA
She said SHANNON dresses beautifully and SAMUEL, you, she said, she loves you.
SAMUEL
When did she say that?
MARIANA
While stirring a cube of sugar in her tea.
SAMUEL
(blissful, more to self)
There’s no way to misinterpret that.
MARIANA
We drink tea together.
SAMUEL
Have you seen her recently?
MARIANA
She has been on a trip to visit her mother.
SAMUEL
That’s all it was? So she was just–
MARIANA
Or was it her father?
SAMUEL
(slight laugh)
It doesn’t really matter.
MARIANA
She will be back next week.
SAMUEL
Oh wow. Thank you. Thank you so much, you’ve been so–
MARIANA
I have to go now.
SAMUEL
Yes of course, that’s fine, I just–
(She hangs up the phone. Dial tone)
Um… (humored) that’s actually fine. (declarative) I’m going to speak with ANJELICA. I really am. I’ll crouch down if I have to. I will look her in the eyes and say, My name is SAMUEL AVNER HORNBLATTZ, and I want to know everything about you.
(Music, end credits)
ACT IV: MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY
SCENE 1
Setting: Outside, rain, SAMUEL walking back to work after taking a break. Humming to himself. After a couple of choruses he sings to himself, getting louder and more joyous in the rain. Bystanders are huddled under the awning of Lido’s meats, watching his approach.
SAMUEL
(singing lightly to self)
If I were a miller, at a mill wheel grinding, would you miss your color box, and your soft shoe shining? If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?
BYSTANDERS
-I thought you hated babies.
-Yeah, you said you don’t like them.
SAMUEL
(uncharacteristically cheerful)
Hi there Jimmy, Johnny, Sal. Everyone! It is good to see you.
BYSTANDER
-Hi SAMUEL.
SAMUEL
And Shirley, too? Wow, the whole gang’s out tonight! It’s true what you say, I do not like babies. They’re disgusting. But it’s just a song. A song about love. About workers that fall in love.
BYSTANDER
-I don’t think that’s what it’s about.
SAMUEL
And falling in love at work.
BYSTANDER
-That’s not it either.
SAMUEL
Phillis, you little heartbreaker.
BYSTANDERS
-If you’re going to sing, then you should do the singing.
SAMUEL
[beat] I believe I was.
BYSTANDERS
-No, you weren’t.
-Do the line about babies again.
SAMUEL
[sighs] Alright, Let’s see.
(sings)
Would you marry me anyway? Would you have my ba–
BYSTANDER
-Wrong.
SAMUEL
You know guys, I really appreciate this, but I am the lifeguard, and I work alone.
BYSTANDER
-That’s the problem.
-Try this.
(they start snapping in time)
SAMUEL
Oh, no.
BYSTANDER
(singing backup harmonies)
Doo doo, duh doo doo. Doo doo, duh doo doo. Doo doo, duh doo doo.
SAMUEL
This is really not going to–
BYSTANDERS
(still singing backup harmonies, then one calls out)
-You can’t sing alone forever!
SAMUEL
Well, actually. I’m meeting someone tonight and we’re going to make beautiful mu–
BYSTANDERS
Sing!
SAMUEL
(Big sigh)
Alright.
(sings over their backup harmony)
If I were not a lifesaver, and you did not need saving, would you marry me anyway. Can we not have a baby?
BYSTANDERS
Yes!
SAMUEL
(singing)
You can kiss these jaws of life, and squeeze these lungs of life. And I’ll kiss you back. Let’s not have a baby!
BYSTANDERS
-I think the first one was better.
SAMUEL
Come on!
BYSTANDERS
Yeah that wasn’t very good.
SAMUEL
Alright alright. I can do this. Keep going!
BYSTANDERS
We’re not stopping.
SAMUEL
I see that.
INTRO
You’re listening to FOUR MONDAYS, a radio play by Sunny Bleckinger. This is act four: MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY.
Scene 2
(SHANNON’s desk. SAMUEL and BYSTANDERS can be heard in distance, approaching with song)
SHANNON
(to self)
What in the hell is this? I said I wanted new swimmers but not… Oh my lord.
SAMUEL
SHANNON, hello! This is my backup group.
(BYSTANDERS continue to sing backup harmonies under dialogue)
They’re going to help me serenade a little somebody.
SHANNON
(slightly disturbed)
I’ve never seen you in an actual good mood.
SAMUEL
What’s not to love about a Monday night!
SHANNON
I mean, sometimes you act like you’re in a good mood, and that’s always kind of sad and funny, but this. This is…
SHANNON
Right. Well. You should get to your spot. We don’t need a repeat of last week. Remember last week? When people were acting really weird. More than usual. Oh right, you wouldn’t know because you were gone last week. For all of lap swim. We don’t want a repeat of that. Although this, I think this might be winning, on the weird scale.
(trying to yell over their singing)
Does everyone have swimsuits?
SAMUEL and BYSTANDERS
(still singing, they walk off to the pool, mic stays with SHANNON)
SHANNON
(still yelling)
You have to wear swimsuits! This isn’t a nudist…
(to self)
Oh nevermind. No one will see it anyway. Thank god I don’t have to get out of my chair. If there’s one thing I can enjoy–
(KASPER bursts into the room, breathless with excitement)
KASPER
SHANNON, you have to get out of your chair!
SHANNON
[beat] No.
KASPER
I have an announcement to make!
SHANNON
So now everyone’s in love?
KASPER
This is better. Follow me to the pool!
SHANNON
As much as I want to, I have to stay here. This is my job. I check people in. They won’t know where to go without me.
KASPER
(briefly rattled)
Okay, well, after you’ve checked in everybody, come to the pool! (proudly) I have an announcement.
SHANNON
Right, sure. Of course.
(KASPER exits)
(to self)
There is no way in hell I’m getting out of this chair. Unless…I have so much sick time built up… Maybe Johnson could come in for me…
(picks up phone, dial tone, dials a few numbers, then MARTY enters. MARTY stands there like she’s expecting something, SHANNON’s in a hurry to get rid of her.)
SHANNON
Hi MARTY.
MARTY
SHANNON.
SHANNON
(sighs, hangs up phone)
[beat] Off to swim?
MARTY
You bet.
SHANNON
Well, have a nice–
MARTY
Thanks.
(she starts to walk off)
SHANNON
Oh wait!
MARTY
I knew it.
SHANNON
I almost forgot.
MARTY
Mm hmm.
SHANNON
I’ll be needing you to fill out an emergency contact form.
MARTY
I know. You keep forgetting, or losing them. Or something. But you found them now?
SHANNON
That’s right. (suddenly cheering up) And I destroyed them!
MARTY
O-kay.
SHANNON
Because…
MARTY
[beat] Come on SHANNON. You can do it. Finish the sentence.
SHANNON
We’re moving to a new emergency contact form. It’s much simpler, requires less personal details. I just got a call from the head of Parks and Rec this morning.
MARTY
Well, alright. Let’s see–
SHANNON
Just this morning, he called me. And do you know what he said?
MARTY
(bored)
That you’re getting new forms.
SHANNON
Yes, and to destroy the old ones. We had access to information that was far too personal.
MARTY
Right. Well, I’m glad I never–
SHANNON
I’ll let you know when the new ones come in.
MARTY
They’re not in yet?
SHANNON
They’re working on them now.
MARTY
(annoyed)
So what happens if there’s an emergency?
SHANNON
I’ll call the lifeguard.
MARTY
Is he here tonight?
SHANNON
Boy is he ever! You won’t miss him!
MARTY
Great. Well.
SHANNON
Have a lovely swim!
MARTY
(suspicious)
Thank you.
SHANNON
You’re so welcome!
(MARTY exits. SHANNON picks up phone, dial tone, dials number, rings)
(to self, while waiting on phone)
Come on Johnson, answer. What could you possibly be doing on a Monday night? I’ve never asked you a favor before, and it’s–
(EDNA enters, coughs, stands there, coughs again. SHANNON hangs up phone)
Hi EDNA, that’s quite a cough.
EDNA
(sounding tired, and a little sick)
Hello there.
SHANNON
Everything alright? You don’t sound so…
EDNA
I seem to have come down with something.
SHANNON
You might consider the pool at Fleishhacker. The next time you’re ill, that is. They use way too much chlorine, perfect for when you need to kill some bacteria. (whispers) And viruses.
EDNA
(a touch hopeful)
No chlorine here?
SHANNON
(gently)
This is a saltwater pool, EDNA. You know that.
EDNA
Yes, of course. [coughs]
SHANNON
That sounds awful.
EDNA
I should be okay. I just need to do my crosswords.
SHANNON
Well. Have a lovely time!
EDNA
Thank you, dear.
(EDNA walks away, mic stays with her. In the background, SHANNON can be heard picking up phone and dialing.)
What a nice young person. Very nice.
Scene 3
(EDNA enters women’s locker room)
Ah, it’s so warm in the steam.
(takes a deep breath, coughs)
Let’s see, what was I doing. Well. I should take off my sweater, fold it… Like so.
(opens locker)
What else?… I can put my shoes in there, too.
(takes off shoes, then looks through purse.)
Let’s see. I’ve got my crosswords and pens. Oh drat. I don’t have a swimsuit.
(calls out)
Is anyone else in here?
(to self)
I don’t come in here very often. It’s so nice and warm. I usually don’t plan on having a swim, that’s why I go straight to the pool. Maybe I should go there now. Not sure if I’ll have time to swim, really. It takes so long to finish a crossword. And I do have my aerobics. But a swim sounds good tonight. Just need to sit for a moment, catch my air.
(takes a few breaths)
Okay, let’s get you closed up.
(closes locker)
Sure is warm in here.
(calls out again)
Hello?
(to self)
If it were easier to see I would just do my crosswords in here. Guess I’ll have to go out and sit by the pool again. Maybe just a little longer in here. It’s so very pleasant. (coughs) Very pleasant.
(music segue)
Scene 4
(poolside, SAMUEL and BYSTANDERS are singing on one side, KASPER is trying to get everyone’s attention)
KASPER
Attention, everyone!
MARTY
(talking to SHANNON)
What is this about?
SHANNON
I don’t know but he says it’s important enough for me to leave my chair.
MARTY
You could’ve rolled it here.
SHANNON
That is such a good point. I’m gonna get my chair right–
KASPER
Wait! This is big. (dramatically) I have solved the mystery of the steam.
SHANNON
It’s a busted boiler, that’s not a mystery. We’re just waiting for the city to send a repairman.
KASPER
Actually, it’s the air valves, but that’s not the point. It’s more than that… It’s part of (dramatic pause) a heist!
(singing stops)
EVERYONE
A heist?
BYSTANDERS
-That smacks of illegality.
-Sounds like it, too.
-They could’ve killed somebody in all this steam.
-Yeah, what if somebody fell?
-Somebody could’ve fell.
SHANNON
That’s why we put up the chili pepper lights.
BYSTANDER
-I hate falling.
SAMUEL
And you’ve got me. Let’s not forget about me. The carpenter.
BYSTANDER
-You’re the lifeguard.
SAMUEL
Guilty as charged. But I can also be a carpenter. I fix things. I fix love. Didn’t expect that did you?
BYSTANDER
-I did not expect that.
SAMUEL
Well it’s true. Even us lifesavers fall in love sometimes.
KASPER
People! Listen please. To really understand the nature of this heist you have to know a little history.
BYSTANDERS
(grumbling)
KASPER
In 1892 the Olympic Saltwater Company–
(BYSTANDERS start snapping in time)
–installed an 11-inch cast iron pipe that delivered saltwater–
(BYSTANDERS hum background harmonies under KASPER’s monologue)
–straight from Ocean Beach to any westside pool that subscribed to the service. A few years later, another pipe, of the same size and carbon-content was installed near Fisherman’s Wharf, pumping saltwater to all the neighborhood pools, the most notable of which was the Crystal Plunge.
SHANNON
People love swimming in the–
KASPER
We know.
SHANNON
(to self)
Goddamned Johnson, why couldn’t he just answer.
KASPER
But did you know this: Over the years every single pool on the saltwater pipeline’s route has gone away. They burned down or didn’t have the funding to stay open. Fleischhacker was one of the few to survive–
SHANNON
Pff, Fleischhacker.
KASPER
–but they canceled their saltwater service in ‘78 and went with pure tap and chlorine, to distinguish themselves from the nearby ocean.
SHANNON
No class.
KASPER
That left only the Lurline Baths and the Crystal Plunge on the old saltwater line. Then Lurline was destroyed in a fire, making the Crystal Plunge the–
SHANNON
The last salt water pool in town!
KASPER
Right!
SHANNON
(to self, suddenly depressed)
What I am doing with my life?
KASPER
And that brings us to now, 1983, when a mere four weeks ago, my boss hands me a claim from Eureka Bank, the very bank that was built in the ruins of the Lurline Baths. Their water bill has been too high, far too high. And the answer is all around us . Take a sniff.
(everyone sniffs)
BYSTANDERS
-Smells like the ocean
SAMUEL
Well, it is a saltwater pool.
KASPER
No, it’s not the pool you’re smelling, it’s the steam.
BYSTANDER
(one in background, with head down by the surface of the pool)
-The water in the pool also smells!
KASPER
Okay but that’s not–
SAMUEL
There is one swimmer that pees in there.
KASPER
Yes, I solved that one too, which explains the warm spots. But one thing at a time, people. As I said, all of the pools in this neighborhood got their saltwater from the same pipe, including the Lurline Baths. So when Lurline went away, and a bank was built in its place, someone made a mistake, and kept the meter running on the saltwater pipe, even though everything was coming here, to this pool.
SHANNON
So they’re paying for our water? That’s excellent! Now I’m glad I got up. Welp, I’ll just be–
KASPER
Wait! It’s not only the water, they’re paying for all this steam, too. I almost didn’t make the connection, and then I literally stumbled over it downstairs.
BYSTANDER
-There’s a downstairs?
KASPER
I’ll show you. Everyone, to the Boiler Room!
(music segue, everyone hustles to follow KASPER through the door and downstairs to the Boiler Room)
Scene 5
(Boiler Room)
BYSTANDERS
-It’s cold down here.
-And dark.
KASPER
There’s a light switch… here
(flicks switch)
BYSTANDERS
-Oooh.
MARTY
You guys are easily impressed.
BYSTANDERS
-It’s so big down here.
-Only a single naked bulb.
-I can’t see the end of the room.
-Where are the walls?
-There’s probably one over there. And over there.
-And then two more… there and there.
-Square-shaped Boiler Rooms are my favorite.
KASPER
Here it is. This is what I stumbled over, this cardboard box, and inside, I found these!
SHANNON
Pants?
KASPER
Not just any pants. MARTY’s pants.
MARTY
Those are not my pants.
KASPER
But they, they look like your size.
MARTY
Not my pants.
KASPER
Well, then they’re from someone else that used to swim here.
(lifts another pair from the box)
What about these?
MARTY
No.
KASPER
These?
MARTY
Nope.
KASPER
These?
MARTY
(gasps) Roxanne! I’ve missed you! What else is in there?
KASPER
Have a look.
MARTY
(pulling out clothing, has a name for each one, like children’s toys)
Trixie! Mickey!
KASPER
(being pushed to the background as everyone crowds around MARTY)
My clothes were stolen, too.
MARTY
Copper and Scooter! And Cosmo. And Dixie! You’ve all been down here in the dark!
KASPER
My pants and my shirt were–
BYSTANDER
-She has names for all her clothes?
KASPER
–were also were stolen.
SAMUEL
She has names for all sorts of inanimate objects.
SHANNON
It’s a little childhood issue that she needs to work out.
KASPER
(pushing his way back to center of everyone, building his voice as he does so)
People, you’re getting distracted. As adorable as her names are for these things, we should not forget that this was in fact a heist, these clothes were stolen not for their value but for their leverage. I felt it myself. Having to walk out of this place without your clothing is humiliating. And most people wouldn’t come back. But it wasn’t done out of cruelty, it was done for love. Because the thief in question was SAMUEL!
(BYSTANDERS gasp)
KASPER
That’s right, SAMUEL! He was doing everything for this mysterious girl. Cleaning her chair, handing out swim caps–
SHANNON
Excuse me? Caps?
KASPER
Everything he could to make the place clean and empty, a perfect nest for the two of them.
(brief silence)
MARTY
Well, yeah. That was pretty obvious.
KASPER
What?
MARTY
Doesn’t everybody know?
SHANNON
I’ve known for awhile. I’ve been trying to get him to stop.
KASPER
But…
SAMUEL
It’s true, SHANNON figured it out right away.
KASPER
How could he–
SAMUEL
He knows me quite well, maybe better than I know myself. And MARTY’s been coming here for a long time. Sometimes I forget how long we’ve known each other.
MARTY
If you’d ever come down from that chair of yours, we might actually talk.
SAMUEL
That’s true, I should–
KASPER
But I solved it!
MARTY
Even EDNA knew, and she’s, wait… EDNA? Where is she?
SAMUEL
EDNA?
KASPER
(sadly, to himself)
I put all the pieces together.
SHANNON
EDNA?
SAMUEL
She was with us earlier.
MARTY
Well she’s not down here. You guys, check the pool. SHANNON look in the hall, I’ll check the locker room. And KASPER, get it together!
KASPER
(completely broken)
Everything lined up just right.
MARTY
Come on, let’s go!
(everyone hustles out, leaving KASPER alone. A BYSTANDER stops to talk to him)
BYSTANDER
-I thought you solved it beautifully.
KASPER
I did, didn’t I.
BYSTANDER
There’s just one thing. What did the clothes have to do with the steam?
KASPER
They helped me to see a connection. At first I thought the problem of the steam was simple. Install new air valves on the radiators. Solved. But when I saw the clothing and realized they were being consciously stolen and hidden–that’s when I realized that this extra pipe connected to the boiler, accident or not, it is literally stealing water from the bank. And without it, the boiler would have no new water, the leaking steam would’ve ended in a day.
BYSTANDER
-You’re amazing.
KASPER
Thank you. [beat] We should probably get up there and help.
[They run up stairs to join the others. Music segue, with sounds of each person calling out for EDNA from the different spots.]
Scene 6
(Women’s locker room, there’s a live adult dolphin lying on the floor. It lets out a staccato call and whistle as MARTY enters)
MARTY
(gently, soothingly)
Oh my, what are you doing on the floor? Hey, hey there. It’s okay. Just, just rest. That’s a girl.
(suddenly everyone else enters)
SAMUEL
Whoa! Right in the middle of the floor!
BYSTANDERS
-I’ve never seen a bottlenose dolphin before.
-I saw one down by the pier, and that was before breakfast.
-Well I don’t get up that early.
-You can tell it’s not a white-sided dolphin because it doesn’t have a white side.
MARTY
Everyone quiet. You’re scaring her.
BYSTANDER
(whispering)
-You’re right, it doesn’t have a white side!
SAMUEL
I’m not trained for this.
KASPER
The best thing is to stay calm and note all the elements that we–
MARTY
It’s not that hard. She needs to be in the water. SAMUEL, you are trained for this. Remember? You can get any kind of body out of the water, surely you can get this one in.
SAMUEL
(at first unsure, then confidence emerges)
Well, yes. I mean, yes. I can do this. We just, we need a gurney!
SHANNON
We have a gurney.
SAMUEL
I’ll get the gurney!
(SAMUEL exits. The dolphin makes some sounds.
MARTY
There, there. It’s gonna be okay. Okay now.
(SAMUEL returns)
SAMUEL
Alright, make space. Now everyone put your hands gently under her, just where she curves into the floor.
MARTY
(to dolphin)
We’re gonna get you out of here. That’s it. Just breathe. You’re doing great. Everyone’s here to help. You’ll be in the water soon. That’s it. That’s it.
SAMUEL
Okay, gently lift. Good, and then over to the gurney. Good, now lower her. Okay. KASPER, gently pull the strap over her, just behind her flippers. And I’ll get this one behind the fin. Okay, now three people stand on one side, and three on the other. Good. And, lift. KASPER, can you hold the door open for us? And MARTY, stay close by, keep talking, keep her calm.
MARTY
(to dolphin)
That’s a girl. We’re almost there. The pool is so close. We’re almost there.
(fade out, music segue)
Scene 7
(poolside, splashing sounds as dolphin leaps out of water, and calls to them)
BYSTANDER
-Wow, she’s beautiful.
MARTY
(emotional)
That’s a girl!
SHANNON
I didn’t know they’re so fast.
BYSTANDER
-They’re fast.
SHANNON
It’s incredible.
BYSTANDERS
-Look at that, wow.
-Wonderful.
(as everyone continues to be in awe of the dolphin in the pool, mic follows a pair of flip flops walking away from them. As he gets outside, he starts humming, somberly)
Scene 8
(outside, heavy rain, mic follows SAMUEL as he walks to phone booth, dials “0”)
OPERATOR
Operator.
SAMUEL
Can you connect me to Happy Teeth?
OPERATOR
Happy Teeth?
SAMUEL
That’s right. It’s a diner.
OPERATOR
Just a moment.
(several rings in the phone, then SAUL answers, diner sounds in background)
SAUL
Happy Teeth. This is Saul.
SAMUEL
May I speak with EARNESTINE, please?
SAUL
She doesn’t work here anymore. Can I ask who’s calling?
SAMUEL
Oh, I… This is SAMUEL, I’m with City Parks and Rec. We’re just checking on… Did you know ANJELICA?
SAUL
I think she was here before I started.
SAMUEL
What happened to EARNESTINE?
SAUL
She got fired. They said she was being too “casual” with the clientele.
SAMUEL
I’m sorry to hear that.
SAUL
Yeah, well.
SAMUEL
Thank you for your time.
SAUL
Hold on now. Is there something you want to talk about?
SAMUEL
I should, no, I should go.
SAUL
Come on, what is it?
SAMUEL
Well, I… I just saw the most beautiful thing and it would’ve been nice to share it with somebody.
SAUL
It’s hard to be alone.
SAMUEL
I wasn’t alone… There must be someone there that would’ve known ANJELICA. I’ve lost all the contacts that knew her.
SAUL
Let me see…
(turns head, voice further from receiver)
Just about everybody is new, I think and–
(tray of dishes spills)
ANGRY WAITER
(at slight distance)
SAUL! What in the world?
SAUL
Sorry sir! I’ll clean it up. Just have to finish up with this customer on the phone.
(back to phone)
I keep knocking things over. I’m worried I’ll get fired.
SAMUEL
What did you do before this?
SAUL
I was washing dogs at the pound.
SAMUEL
I didn’t know people did–
SAUL
They get real dirty. Especially around the feet. And the ears.
SAMUEL
Huh.
SAUL
(cheering up)
Boy were they happy to get out of that tub. But try and get them in, well. It always took a couple of us to get each dog started. But once they were wet and the water was so warm. They really enjoyed it, all the attention.
SAMUEL
Sounds like a great job.
SAUL
It was.
SAMUEL
You could always go back.
SAUL
No, no I couldn’t.
SAMUEL
Why not?
SAUL
I loved those dogs. Every time someone came to pick one up it broke my heart.
SAMUEL
What did you love about them? I mean, I don’t, I don’t like dogs. I’m trying to understand.
SAUL
The way they’d look at you. I’d be rubbing soap into their backs and they’d just look at you. Make you feel like the most important person around.
SAMUEL
So when one got adopted there were still all the other dogs. You could scratch their backs and let them look at you.
SAUL
Each one that went away made it harder to focus on the ones that were still there. I kept thinking about all the dogs that were gone. One morning I was washing the blind corgie, he was my favorite, he thought he was looking at me but he always stared in the wrong direction. I was washing his fur and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care about him at all. I knew if I stayed any longer I’d die on the inside, lose touch with everything around me. So I gave my notice and found someplace where that wouldn’t happen.
SAMUEL
The diner?
SAUL
It’s perfect. I could never fall in love here. Everybody’s rude, the customers never look up from their menus. And when they ask for the bill I feel such relief. They’re leaving! I haven’t slept this well in years. Just need to figure a way to not get fired.
SAMUEL
Right.
(pause, neither of them know what else to say)
SAUL
I guess I should get back.
SAMUEL
Yeah. Of course.
ANGRY WAITER
(In distance)
Come on Saul, get back to it!
(both hang up, SAMUEL steps out in rain, sirens in the distance. Softly sings to himself, a bit somberly)
(MARTY walks up behind him)
MARTY
She was no lady, by the way.
SAMUEL
(startled)
What? Oh, hey MARTY.
MARTY
Not that the word means anything. I just, I don’t think she is who you think.
SAMUEL
That was becoming clear.
MARTY
I can tell you all about her, if you want. We talked plenty. The girl made me laugh, but not in the way… Well, she wasn’t trying to be funny. For one thing–
SAMUEL
Wait, don’t. It doesn’t matter. She’s not here, and I don’t… it doesn’t matter. [beat] I’m starving. Are you hungry?
MARTY
I could eat.
SAMUEL
I know a place, best fried egg sandwich, really. It’s amazing. Lemme buy you a fried egg sandwich, and you tell me your story.
MARTY
Awww, that’s so sw–
SAMUEL
No, don’t, don’t get the wrong idea. It’s not because I care, I just–
MARTY
(sarcastic)
Thanks.
SAMUEL
It’s something that I need. I need to know you.
MARTY
(surprised, charmed)
Okay.
SAMUEL
It’s real close, we can walk.
(thunder, rain increases)
MARTY
We’re gonna get wet!
(mic stays as they walk off, their voices fading)
SAMUEL
At this place it won’t matter. It’s totally–
MARTY
They have hey on the floor?
SAMUEL
Peanut shells.
MARTY
You’re kidding!
SAMUEL
I am. But they have towels.
MARTY
No they don’t.
SAMUEL
They probably do. In the bathroom.
MARTY
You’re weirder than I thought.
SAMUEL
This is gonna be about you, remember?
MARTY
Because I’m so normal.
SAMUEL
Totally normal.
MARTY
Totally.
(music segue)
Scene 9
(SUMMERS’ office)
KASPER
And that is how I solved it!
SUMMERS
(not impressed)
Well done, KASPER.
KASPER
Thank you, sir! So, can I deliver the happy news to Eureka Bank?
SUMMERS
Oh my god, no. Are you kidding?
KASPER
But I, they would love it–I solved the case, and they need to know.
SUMMERS
Have you not seen the car crashes outside?
(right in that moment, a car crash can be heard outside)
Do you have any idea how much it’s costing to pay all those ambulanceworkers? They’re on overtime! There’s no way the city can keep up with the cost. And then this Eureka Bank bill falls in our laps. I mean, it’s perfect! I’m riding this cash cow to retirement. But don’t worry Kasper. I’ll get on the horn, let them know we’ve got our best man on it.
KASPER
But, sir, that would be–
SUMMERS
Now, don’t get excited.
KASPER
(getting excited)
But, sir!
SUMMERS
Alright, KASPER. Alright. I’ll find you another one to solve. And this one’s going to be a real doozer. I promise. You’ll love it. Just–
(looks through papers)
Just gimme a couple days to dig something up. If there’s one thing this city’s got, it’s loose ends. I’ll send you on one, on all of ‘em if you like.
KASPER
But…
SUMMERS
That’ll be all. Again, great work. You solved it, by gum. Alright, now. Scram.
KASPER
(small voice)
Thank you, sir.
(KASPER exits)
SUMMERS
(to self)
Good kid there, KASPER. Going places, I’m sure.
(music, end credits)
Four Mondays 